A good leader is not afraid to make unpopular decisions.

I kept repeating this to myself as I nervously dialed the number. The faster I get this unpleasant call over with, the faster I can devour the beautifully arranged acai bowl in front of me. This was not going to be an easy conversation to have, though. It’ll consist of a many shame-inducing declarations from the other the other person about how I didn’t meet her expectations, hang out with her (despite my explanations – it’s not a good time for me), and didn’t coddle her the way she deserves to be coddled.

I’d need to use a variety of tools in my toolbox to successfully engage, but upon inspection I was disappointed to learn that I only have a few tools to choose from. Charm, reasoning, compassion, accommodation and appeasement – though admirable tools, leave me short of the more assertive traits I need to acquire in order to better equip me to handle people that respond to strength.

Confrontational conversations generally make me uncomfortable because that’s not where my strength lies. But as I reflected over this conundrum, I realized that we all have the capacity to grow, develop, and learn skills that help us battle people who feel entitled to our time, are aggressive and unapologetically pushy.

Yet, a variety of factors stop us from developing ourselves fully and incorporating a range. One that I’d like to address today is the need for validation. Since birth, we are conditioned to be rewarded for behavior that is deemed acceptable and punished for behavior that is not. This conditioning ultimately teaches us how to act so that we can be perceived in a positive light, and thus bathe in validation. We grow up, make friends, go to school, achieve – all with the purpose of being liked, valued, and validated.

But what if value was a given? What if, despite your decisions and whether I agree with them or not, I am able to like, appreciate, value and respect you for being you?

Unfortunately, this does not happen. And that’s how – what once began as conditioning – becomes a full-fledged need to be validated.

What can we do to effectively lead more authentic lives?

This year I’ve experienced many changes in my work place. These changes have created depth in my character, as well as given me a close view of what effective and ineffective leadership looks like. One lesson I’ve learned is that a good leader is not afraid to make unpopular decisions. We cannot be liked by all because not everyone sees things the way we do, and that’s okay.

The courage to lead – whether it’s a department, a team, or your own life – with unapologetic decisiveness depends on 3 factors. Firstly, it takes an iron determination to break the validation-seeking shackles that we are trapped in. There is a lot of unlearning that needs to happen in order for us to build tenacious, resolute, and steadfast decision-making muscles that are hard-wired to our desires, not society’s.

Secondly, we need to lay the burden of how we treat others, on them, as opposed to us. For example, have you ever a conversation with someone that left a bad aftertaste in your mouth? You spend hours thinking why events transpired the way they did, and how you could have facilitated the experience in a way that resulted in positivity… Well, that burden is not for you to own, my friend. I’ve learned that there are many sides to us, and those sides display prominently when there’s a need for them. Again, an example; have you ever engaged in angry conversation with someone and later reflected in head-scratching wonder, how did I come up with my responses? The answer to that question is that that aggressive side of you came from within because the experience demanded it. This tool allowed you to defend yourself and though might not be your primary mode of expression, it stepped up when it sensed danger and attack.

The coming-out of difference sides of us happens because of the soul’s understanding of a situation. And, as a conscious leader of our lives, we cannot limit ourselves to a few of our “nice” tools when the world is full of people that are otherwise. Lying the burden of which side of our personality comes out to defend, protect and serve us lies on the person with whom we are engaging. What the other person says create the atmosphere to which responding will be our job. Good leaders do not limit their toolbox, or themselves by defining themselves. Instead, they recognize their vast potential and allow themselves to stretch, grow, and take on new characters that will help them deal with life’s complexities.

The last ingredient needed to lead a courageous life is unshakeable self-confidence. Knowing that I can handle anything that comes my way helps give us permission to be who we need to be (whoever that may be) in order to move forward. Again, this may seem open-ended and nebulous, but we humans have successfully tricked ourselves into believing that life is structured and defined – and it is anything but. The quicker we whole-heartedly accept how much is out of our control, the quicker we can set off on the path self-investment in a world that will test us, accept us and at times, reject us.

So, as I made that formidable call, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I need to courageous lead my life in a manner that respects and grows the potential within. If I > others, then at times, societal validation = 0 – and that is okay.

After the call I rewarded myself with an amazing breakfast. Here’s to growth, change, and the beauty that emerges once we realize our true potential!

Have any of you ever experience something similar? What qualities do you believe are needed in order to lead with courage?