No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man. [Heraclitus]

Sometimes a sense of deep sadness takes over. A realization of all the lives not lived. Of being stuck reliving the same pattern. 

Today I had lunch with a friend who essentially spent most of her time providing examples of how I’ve fallen short on family obligations. It’s the same arguments, unmet expectations and “me first” mentality that I’ve seen before. 

We tried a new brunch spot, which was walking distance from the beach. It was a gorgeous, clear-blue-sky-kind of a day. The air was crisp, the sun warm and smiling upon us. 

I found myself drifting off as I looked out the window. Her voice becoming more and more distant, a calm set over me as I sat listening. I didn’t rush to defend myself or impatiently cut into what she was saying. 

To hear the same complaints time and time again leaves one tired and jaded. As I grow and heal, it’s appalling to realize that the warped definition of “love” in dysfuntional families includes the minimizing of Self, belonging and dignity.

I began wondering what it would be like to leave all this behind. Go somewhere far, where I could live for myself. A place where I’d live all the lives I want to live before I die. Live each moment with renewed possibility, a new me in new situations. 

Here and now, open to the newness of every moment. 

–

In the acting class I took a few weeks ago, my teacher asked, Why can’t you give the same performance twice, even if you’re saying the same lines?

As the class jumped in to participate, a few theories emerged: because each night the audience is different, so you have varying energy to play with. Or maybe, we as individuals show up differently everyday; maybe one woke up tired/sad/mad and that affects our performance, too. 

The truth is, any and all of these reasons are possible Each day, each moment, we show up differently. There is no constant, ever. Change is always happening, whether around us or in us. We are never the same person, or in the exact same situation, twice. 

This realization brings up several conflicting emotions for me: joy, desperation, melancholy. When I see the same family dynamic play out I feel as if I’ve left my family behind in some way. The same scenario playing itself out suffocates me, the energy it takes to weather the storm and argue exhausts me, and opinions of how I’ve fallen short take me back to a part of my journey that I’ve worked hard to move past.

The truth is that we will always miss the mark for some people. There will always be folks that feel they were owed more; that the other person could have been more to meet their needs. It’s disheartening to realize that sometimes folks from whom one needs the most unconditional love are the ones that clutch the keys to their approval, love and support from you with the tightest grip. 

–

As all this happens, time continues to pass, the world continues to turn. We continue to run out of time, even if it doesn’t feel like it. 

There is the “Me” that continues to experience the world through various lenses. Learning, growing, shedding and occastionally, being dragged to a part of the journey that I left behind years ago. Tearing off masks as I deepen my relationship with Self, occasionally stepping out with no mask…just Me.  

Regardless of the state one’s in, no one will experience a situation in exactly the same way, twice. We can’t. 

Which is why when we are forced to relive a situation through an old, out-dated lense a sense of desperation surfaces. A feeling of, there isn’t enough time to see all that I want to see AND dredge up the past.

After a few hours together, I drove home with a heavy heart. Wishing, hoping, and praying that life would radically change the permutations from which the Universe is currently working from.

I wish to experience more.