Can our most heartbreaking moments be our greatest teachers?

I initially started this piece in a different state of mind. I was focused on me, my pain, and frankly, my victimhood. But since then, I’ve reflected on the Buddist concept of attachment. Though it’s not easy to accept, I know there is a truth there to uncover. I’ve been wondering what the universe is trying to teach me, and I think I found the answer.

Initially, I was focused on my feelings. How my heart cries tears of warm blood. How the tears don’t come out with force or gusto; instead they are passionate, stifled pleas that well up in my eyes and slowly make their way down my face.

Then I asked myself, what do you do when you’ve perceived that someone’s hurt you? Initial thoughts focused on being more protective of myself, being on “my side” and now allowing my empathy to hurt me. Meaning, maybe someone has reasons for abruptly severing communication, but that does not make my feelings of pain, disappointment, abandonment and fear any less valid.

I reasoned that even if they end up coming back and apologizing and wanting to make things like before again, it doesn’t invalidate what I’ve gone through. My heart can only take so much, and I am allowed to give it time to heal and feel safe again.

My ego reasoned that a pattern is developing here, which involves abruptly leaving and then coming back and wanting to quickly make things right again. The problem here is that things are happening on the Leaver’s timeline, and that’s not right.

Then ultimately, I came up with a plan from that place of fear and hurt. A plan that involved closing the doors of friendship if the person ever came back. A plan that involved me allowing them back into my life only when their problems have been solved.

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The Buddha says that attachment is the root of all suffering. I’ve been reflecting on this teaching and frankly, have had a hard time making sense of it. Aren’t we humans wired for connection? Isn’t it natural for that connection to make us “used to” the other person’s presence in our life? How does one connect deeply without forming an attachment?

According to Buddha, love is unconditional, selfless and it will never hurt you. All things are subject to change, always. It is this reality that we forget; when we form a bond with someone we forget that that too will change. Maybe we stop talking to each other, maybe one of us passes away. But the reality is, things are changing all the time. We have very little time on this earth, and even a shorter amount of time with our loved ones. Why not spend the time that we do have loving and being compassionate with each other, for however long we are in each other’s life?

Attachment is self-serving. Attachment says, I like the way you make me feel. If that changes, human inclination is to hold on tighter so that things don’t change. But the irony is, the more we hold on, the more things change. 

To truly love without attachment is to love in the moment; unconditionally, whole heartedly and selflessly. To the extent that if another person’s happiness excludes you, you accept it because you only want what is best for them. 

In a way this acceptance is difficult to attain because it’s asking us to love knowing that all things will die one day. It’s all impermanent. It removes people and obstacles and instead accepts on Life’s seasons. 

This video powerfully summarizes the difference between Love and Attachment:

Love is, I need you to be happy in your life. If that happiness includes me, even better. If not, that’s okay too.

Attachment is, You need to make me happy. A form of selfishness.

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This moment has invited me to realize that I have sought external refuge and validation, which is why changes hurt me so much. And it’s only human to want to hold on to that, but by doing so I only cause myself greater suffering. But maybe this time has been a great teacher because it has shown me that I need to find fulfillment within. Only my inner world is what I truly have; I must befriend myself. 

This way of being detaches me from the extreme emotions I’ve been experiencing lately. It stills my mind; it’s so spacious and foreign because I’m used to riding the high of my emotions. But that’s been the problem. Our society rewards activity, whether it’s in the form of thinking, feeling or doing. We don’t leave room for just being.

Loving without attachment allows us to step out of ourselves and our ego stories. It allows us to truly attune to the other person’s suffering and offer compassion, instead of making it about ourselves. It allows us to stay deeply rooted in our power as we experience the world around us; experience the world without melting into it and losing our barings.

What I grieve is how things were; but that’s the past and it won’t come back. And I don’t know what the future holds. What I do know is, my friend is going through a hard time. What I can do is extend loving kindness and compassion to him, without any expectations. I can give myself endless love, remind myself daily that things change and that all will someday end. That way, I can treat all of life’s beauty as a delicate butterfly that – when she chooses to sit on my palm – is a beautiful, expected treat from Life.