I have been reading varied genres lately and came across definitions of love which all point to the same idea.
I can’t help draw the connection that love is safety. It’s the ability to see and accept all of someone. Whether it’s from a psychologist, a buddhist monk or humanistic philosopher, I find it telling that this thread is common to the human condition; the longing to be accepted in our entirety. The longing to be safe; to be seen; to have authentic and vulnerable conversations without risking community and belonging. To belong; to be in deep communion.
That’s all the people really want. The safety provided helps people bloom and open up in unexpected ways. Some become childlike with wonder, some playful and mischevious, some lively and some goofy. But it’s all because, their Inner Child feels safe and secure to come out. If you find someone that ignites such safety within you, hold on to them.
Here are a few quotes that resonated with me:
“For a relationship to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill the voids or wounds caused by a parent figure. A healthy relationship provides space for mutual evolution. This is the essence of authentic love, when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed. Authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration. Authentic love feels safe. It’s rooted in the awareness that the other person is not property, not something to be owned, and that your partner is not parent-figure, not someone who can fix or heal you.
This is not the ‘rom-com’ depiction of love. Authentic love doesn’t always feel ‘good’ or even romantic. The cycles of emotional addiction that we commonly associate with romance aren’t activated, so it doesn’t have the charge of excitement born of fear or abandonment or withdrawal of love and support. It is a grounded state. You do not need to perform in a certain way or hide parts of yourself to receive love. You will still feel bored or unsettled. You will still find yourself attracted to other people and may even mourn the loss of the single life. Conscious relationships aren’t fairy tales. There’s no ‘You complete me.’ There’s no smile and poof! – living happily ever after. Like everything else you have encountered so far, authentic love requires work. The path forward is to become aware of the role of self-betrayal in your trauma bonds and the role that you play in honoring your own needs.”
-Nicole LePera, How To Be The Love You Seek
“An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.
It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.
It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.
It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.”
-Adrienne Rich
“Care and responsibility are constituent elements of love, but without respect for and knowledge of the beloved person, love deteriorates into domination and possessiveness… To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by the knowledge of the person’s individuality.
Respect is not fear and awe; it denotes, in accordance with the root of the word (respicere = to look at), the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect, thus, implies the absence of exploitation. I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.”
-Erich Fromm
“True love is made of four elements: loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity…If your love contains these elements, it will be healing and transforming, and it will have the element of holiness in it. True love has the power to heal and transform any situation and bring deep meaning to our lives…
In a deep relationship, there’s no longer a boundary between you and the other person. You are her and she is you. Your suffering is her suffering. Your understanding of your own suffering helps your loved one to suffer less. Suffering and happiness are no longer individual matters. What happens to your loved one happens to you. What happens to you happens to your loved one.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Une Pause 