We humans are so egocentric. 

Have you ever noticed that nothing takes place in our awareness, that isn’t immediately followed by a reaction or judgement about how we perceive ourselves in relation to what’s taken place?

A wordy way of asking, have you noticed that we don’t experience events without making them about us? How they’ll affect us, what the event means for us, and how we feel about it…

By making things about us we narrow the experience – we cut ourselves off from the juicy richness of the whole experience – because we’ve entered an observer into the vastness of what’s happening. 

All of a sudden a multi-faceted, multi-layered and nuanced experience is viewed through a tiny keyhole. And since we enter situations with our own biases, thoughts, feelings and perspective, we naturally skew what we see in accordance to what we prefer. 

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Life is all about noticing. Noticing how we show up; how others show up; how we go there; whether we want to change. 

When seen through this expansive lens, all of our experiences and the people we meet along the way become vehicles for transformation; invitations; unearthing our shadow side so that we can work to liberate blocked energy. 

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Lately, life’s given me ample opportunity to come face-to-face with stagnant energy within me.

I got a new job a few months ago and that transition has been full of excitement, anxiety and a steep learning curve. Especially since my onboarding was fast tracked because I was to backfill for a colleague going on maternity leave in a matter of weeks! 

What emerged from these experiences is a sharp, earthy, problem-solving side of me that cut through the bullshit and made things happen. It’s been a powerful time in my life; a fruitful time of manifestation. A time that has given me a glimpse of what I’m capable of and shattered my limiting beliefs in the most powerful ways possible.  

Along with such energy also comes a kind of destruction, as we are put squarely in front of traits, tendencies, and emotional reactions that are unattractive, uncomfortable, and messy. Only once we become aware of these hidden shadows, can we ask ourselves whether they serve us or not. And, whether we want to transform or not. 

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I find my mind overly focused. I’ve always been the kind of person that likes to think, and with this new opportunity my ability to critically think and solve problems has been at the forefront. 

But even after work, I find myself thinking in the same manner. Tunnel-visioned, obsessive and repetitive thoughts. A constant desire to reach the bottom of – or possess something. 

I’m having a hard time turning that part of my mind off. It’s caused a bit of anguish, especially since I’m working on being more honest with myself and authentic in the world, and I can’t help but harshly judge this trait.

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It’s not that I go around mindfully being inauthentic. But in the corporate world, masculine traits that encourage activity and manifestation – have traditionally been rewarded, in my experience. And since the muscle that works out more is the one that’s tone, my ability to be on constant overdrive has left me hypervigilant and unable to relax into a whole other side of me that is taking shape. 

There is no “solve” for this – but there is curiosity.  

The curiosity to explore the sacred and fierce feminine. To meet with the abundant flow that lives within me. To harness this life force and let it go. To unlock it and let it take its course. 

To make friends with all of me. To turn and face parts of myself that I’ve hidden away. Own all of me. 

To embody sensuality, sexuality and grounded life force capable of magical transformation.

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In her book Wisdom Rising: Journey into the Mandala of the Empowered Feminine, Lama Tsultrim Allione talks about the 5 dakinis – the sacred, fierce, wise and feminine aspects of 5 Buddha Families. These are energy states; principles for understanding ourselves on a deep and innate level. 

These energies exist in all of us, and are a potential for wisdom. The great thing about understanding these energies is that we can use our awareness to identify encumbered patterns that exist within us and transform them into sources of wisdom within us. 

The five dakinis are:

• Buddha; which transforms ignorance into all-encompassing wisdom
• Vajra; which transforms anger into mirror-like wisdom
• Ratna; which transforms pride into the wisdom of equanimity
• Padma; which transforms desire into the wisdom of discernment
• Karma; which transforms jealousy into all-accomplishing wisdom 

As you’ve probably noticed, ignorance, anger, pride, desire and jealousy are natural and universal emotions we’ve all dealt with. Allione focuses on the sacred feminine aspect of the families, and the wisdom that each dakini embodies.

Some of us may have more of one type of energy than another. These very same energies can be transmuted so their wise counterpart emerges, thus transforming energy that blocks into energy that flows.

This philosophy encourages us to turn and face that which blocks enlightenment. It asks that we drink our poison, instead of avoiding it.

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As I read through these different energy states, I found myself identifying my obsessive tunnel-visioned thought patterns with the Padma dakini. 

The encumbered state of mind of padma is intense desire and craving, which leads to people pleasing and approval seeking. And in all honesty, it’s driven by the fear of abandonment. 

In a sense, for someone in an encumbered Padma energy, it becomes all about the other person or situation. This doesn’t necessarily need to be sensual or sexual; the purpose is to magnetize, possess and gain external validation. 

This effectively hands the keys to your own kingdom, to an outside source, which isn’t healthy at all. 

And to be honest, it has nothing to do with what we are thinking about, or focusing our energy on. It’s the mere fact that we are searching for something or someone to validate, excite, or distract us, which is worth noting. 

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So, if it’s not about the external, what is all this about? Buddhist sages say it’s about ego; the focus on self. Clinging to what feels good. Thinking about yourself in relation to it constantly. 

And that this energy, which is living in our bodies in the form of stagnation, can be transmuted into the wisdom of discernment. 

The key is to eliminate ego, because once that is gone we are no longer viewing things from a lens that is centered on us:

“When the ego fixation is gone, as it is when wisdom emerges, under that is radiant compassion without an object, a discerning compassion. There is an experience of magnetism without effort, seeing all the nuances, but without attachment – enlightened relationship…in the awakened state of discerning wisdom, we can love but with a feeling of being free from the need to be loved back;it is contained warmth. It is compassion rather than passion. Enjoyment with discernment.”

It’s the ego that causes this struggle in the first place. This desire for approval. To magnetize. To possess. 

Without the ego there’s just a sharp awareness – without making it about the observer (me) and what benefit I get from it (approval, praise, attention…)

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This resonates deeply as life invites me to see, accept and transform Padma energy into wisdom that is without manipulation, open-hearted, connection and depth. I am practicing this and it definitely takes effort – especially in a society such as ours, which thrives on recognition, approval, winning and masculine strength.

The ability to see reality for what it is, in its granular detail as well as the big picture, is the essence of sacred, feminine energy. And it’s truly an integral part of the masculine/feminine dance we do everyday. Because it is only through wisdom (being, which is feminine in nature), that any of the skills we use and steps we take (doing, which is masculine in nature), make sense. Wisdom is the crux of it all – it’s about embodying flow and movement with synchronicity. 

I leave you with a piece that particularly resonated with me, and hoping it will with you, too:

“[The essence of Padma energy is] not only just the ability to distinguish between different objects of perception, but even more importantly, the capacity to look deeply into each one, appreciating its unique qualities and entering into its unique being with love and understanding.’

The wisdom of discernment carries with it a quality of empathetic concern and caring for others and profound insight into the nature of reality. It also has an investigative curiosity, an ability to see deeply into the nature of things. In my mention of subtle sacred sexuality and the integration with the elements practice, we see this deep knowing not through intellect, but rather through experience. There is a deep knowing, beyond ordinary ego-centered knowing, that penetrates into the core of reality.”