I recently read Dr. Nicole Le Pera’s books How To Do The Work, and How To Be The Love You Seek and they have significantly impacted how I think about relationships, and how I show up in them.

LePera talks a lot about the Inner Child; that being within that has formed as a result of childhood experiences. As we may know, the way we adults function today is directly connected to how we were raised; our neurons have fired and wired based on behaviors that brought us desired outcomes during our childhood. So for example, if being a caretaker, a decision maker, a giver brought me love, connection, security and sustenance from my parents, that’s how my system got wired.

When we understand this, it’s hard to really hate anyone; who they are today is directly connected to what they had to be, in order to be loved by their primary caregivers.

When we grow older we have the opportunity to examine our behaviors and assumptions about how to be to receive that same love, connection, security, and sustenance from others. There isn’t anything wrong with adding tools to our toolbelt that can help us thrive so that the Inner Child isn’t so reactive.

Now some of my friends may disagree. They may say that comforting that Inner Child is making excuses, or acting as a victim to justify bad behavior.

Taking care of the Inner Child is not victimhood. Saying that there is an Inner Child is not victimhood, either. Do you know why it’s termed a “child”? Because s/he is naïve, a blank slate, soaking up ways of being and social queues from those around him/her. Those experiences will become his/her “normal”. That’s why, as we grow older we repeat patterns we’ve seen all our lives because they are normal to us – until we start to heal. Healing comes in the form of acceptance, love, reparenting oneself and release from the reactivity of housed emotions.

Healing the Inner Child is not the same as Feeding The Beast. I acknowledge and agree that we can’t live in a state of war – and to not feed problematic tendencies. But that’s not what we are talking about here. A hurt inner child inside us who is screaming for connection and love will be provoked when an unhealed wound surfaces. It will be soothed by a hug – not starvation – because it’s a child, not a beast.

Where does taking the High Road fit into all of this? The High Road is important, and there is a way to do both – take the high road and have a boundary for yourself while remaining compassionate with those that have hurt you. Taking the High Road does not mean, being a doormat for someone and allowing someone to step all over your dignity.

It’s all about intent here, and at the same time, boundaries are important. If things get to be too much, you are allowed to temporarily take a breather to cool off. If folks have hurt you and you’ve extended multiple olive branches, you get to feel your feelings. You get to assert a boundary for yourself. You get to experiment with what a new boundary could look like, so that you can re-engage. You can teach people how to treat you.

Adhering to limiting beliefs such as, “we must never break the bond we have with our family” is a self-betraying belief because there may be times when you genuinely need to step away to find you center. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself the option to do so.

Having read LePera’s books, I am willing to play with the boundary now because I want to make the relationship work. It’s uncomfortable as hell, but all healing is – because you are rewiring fundamental aspects of yourself. We can change a dynamic that we are a part of – not by changing someone else, but by changing ourselves so that our inner world is a happier place. And you know why that’s worth it? Because that Inner Child continues to shriek in pain if you don’t. Sometimes you have to (temporarily) let things break so they can come back together – and I know that is not your or my strong suit.

LePera’s books helped me understand this way of thinking and not feel guilty thinking about myself. Will I swing too far one way or another sometimes? Of course. But I’d still rather explore the boundary, be kind to myself and debunk self-made parameters and understandings. I don’t have to accept someone else’s abuse just because they were once abused. By telling myself that I have to take it, I remove agency from myself, which is disempowering. I can move out of the way, I can retreat, I can do a bunch of things that honor my boundary, while not violating someone else’s.

Relationships are so beautiful; as we heal and gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, isn’t it worth sharing that with people who mean a lot to us in a way that serves us both?

Give yourself permission to consider something that strikes you as out-of-the-question; give that Inner Child the love, forgiveness and acceptance she is craving. She did the best she could with the knowledge she had, the options available to her, the way she was raised, and her exposure to the world at the time. She is not a beast for wanting attention.